TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of area. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a element being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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